What is a Man?

Or How I Stopped Feeling Sorry for Myself and Learned to Love Power

Since antiquity, thousands of barrels of ink have been spilled in writing millions of words in descriptions of male heroism and examples of masculine leadership, in fiction or nonfiction. Yet, in modern America it is increasingly difficult for anyone to find men who understand what a “real man” should act like, whether that means wearing appropriate clothing in public, setting goals for themselves, behaving appropriately in a relationship, or even caring for themselves well. And it is exceedingly hard to find men who understand what a man should stand for, even if their biology provides them with easy clues.

Why is this the case? As the historian Arnold Toynbee said, “The human race’s prospects of survival were considerably better when we were defenseless against tigers than they are today when we have become defenseless against ourselves.”

Men knew what it meant to be a man not because someone told them, they knew what it meant because Mother Nature demanded it of them. Men who failed to act appropriately doomed their families and friends to certain death, and usually themselves as well. Male culture and values emanated from the demands of the physical world. This is how things were for millennia.

But without the pressure of famine, weather, and predation, it is easy for men to forget the habits and behaviors required of them. And men clearly have. Unless you are in certain social circles, or in very conservative social media cliques, you are unlikely to have heard or read a comprehensive description of what masculinity is, as a lifestyle or a philosophy. I was raised in a very conservative locale, by conservative parents, in a conservative era, and I was an avid reader of sociology and history, but I hadn’t read a thorough accounting of what being a man means until I was 38 years old. That was far, far too late.

I don’t want you to wait that long. The following is what I’ve learned from several sources, including my own experience, and have found the result to be both attainable and satisfying. Please forgive me if I add to those millions of barrels of ink with slightly more. Not only do I care about the society myself and my family live in, but it is also difficult for me to make friends with men who are far too feminine than they should be.

POWER

A man who cannot do things, who cannot affect his environment, is not a man. He is either a child or a woman. Power is the ability to direct or influence people or events, to make change upon the world. The ideal man has many different types of power, such as:

1. Wealth

2. Physical strength and/or stamina

3. Charm (aka “soft power”)

4. Hard skills (such as carpentry, hunting, auto repair, archery, boxing, etc.).

Wealth is perhaps the hardest of these to attain, and also the most important, but many wealthy men lacking the other forms of power may find themselves in trouble, especially with women. Money cannot buy friends, genuine love, or loyalty. No man can afford to neglect themselves. And to be sure, the ability to direct events inside of a computer is not actually power. Power may be accumulated if a man has enough online prowess to generate significant wealth for himself, but very often these men are significantly pale and atrophied from an online, indoor lifestyle and lacking most or all the other sources of power.

Power is a cornerstone of masculinity. Power is what makes empires rise and fall, seduces women, and leads other men. Power is what keeps our species alive. Neglect it at your peril. Power is not easy to get, but it is extremely rewarding in and of itself. A man with more than one form of power likely has the blessing of at least a little genuine self-confidence and authentic pride in oneself.

In particular, I believe that the last type- hard skills - are sorely lacking. Whether its gunsmithing, guitar, or grappling, men who can DO THINGS gain more respect from other men, and more easily gain it from women. Women respect power. Only the most infantile man rejects this truth. And it IS truth, because there is no way mankind would have survived our early, crude history as competitors with megafauna if women didn’t ruthlessly breed with men who were skilled with weapons and tools, who could defend them and their offspring against the ravages of the elements, and wolves.

But the point of masculinity is not getting laid, believe it or not.

RISK

What use is power if it is not tested? What use is an athlete who does not compete? A leader who actually leads is inherently taking a risk by doing so. Kings can be deposed by his citizens, and officers are targeted by the enemy before enlisted men. A man who is financially powerful didn’t acquire his riches by inaction and conservatism, and there is often financial risk in inaction itself, especially in times of inflation or a bull market full of opportunity. Millionaires and billionaires don’t save their way into riches, and their wealth is often dissipated, or gets destroyed. If the essence of masculinity is action-taking, then risk will always be a fact of life for men.

You will find that the most cowardly or effete men turn their noses up at any kind of physicality, whether that’s because they are fearful of failure, or because they believe the risk of injury is too great (and they will grossly exaggerate the risk). You will find that the most masculine men are also often charismatic and socially adept, because they have simply trained away fear in themselves, through frequent exposure to risks of various types. Fear is the mind-killer, and making yourself accustomed to risk is the only true antidote.

Besides, risk is fun. Risk is adrenaline. Do NOT live your life according to what your mommy lets you do, for then you will forever be a boy and not a man.

RESISTANCE

I almost labeled this section “discipline”. Conceptually or abstractly, femininity is a kind of gravity. To be a man then is to push back against this force, to separate from femininity and to stand independent of it. Femininity will always tug and pull on us, trying as all women do to domesticate us, and bend us to their will. Many men misunderstand how to resist this. They think the problem lies with women’s nature, which they seek to crush, not their own lack of consistent resistance- e.g., a strong male identity.

Masculinity is best understood as a spiritual and cultural matter. To paraphrase Aristotle, men are what they repeatedly do. Masculinity then is not an act, but a habit.

Masculinity is a pattern, it is a set of values which must be lived. Strong men have strong habits, a strong pattern. Weak men cannot maintain a routine, or control their thoughts well, and cannot restrain themselves from temptations and indulgences, whether that means a workout schedule, a diet, a demanding job, the emotional rigors of a long-term relationship, or fatherhood.

And largely, weak men are weak because they do not know what they should be. They do not understand their purpose, so their goals are nonexistent or foolish. They are listless. A weak man’s “independent stance” routinely slips and slides, which is on some inner level a source of consternation to him. A man who understands his role is automatically more steady in his separation from femaleness, because he is more disciplined and consistent in his actions, and this is because he understands better what is expected of him, what is needed from him. He must strive to be fully a man, or he will fail.

DUTY

Lastly, there must be a point to masculinity. Men do not exist to glorify themselves, or to revel in our lusts and victories until death. The magnificent marble columns of the Parthenon did not exist for their own sake. They existed to hold up the roof, to protect the temple itself. Men exist to be of service to something greater than themselves. Men exist to protect their children, to protect the mothers of these children, to protect their own parents in their old age, and to protect their community. Men are the pillars of civilization. We do the dirty work, the dangerous work, and a true man revels in this role. It motivates him, even if he may be hurt or killed in the effort. Heroism is always male-coded.

The seeming non-existence of a duty in a man’s life doesn’t mean he is free from his DNA, within which is imprinted a deep need for a mission, a burden he can use his talents and gifts to carry. Modern man understandably struggles to find a duty, but I find that this is almost of a secondary problem, compared to the legions of men who refuse to acknowledge the need for a duty at all. This is nihilism, and it is deathly poisonous. You can spot these men very easily, especially if you try talking to them about anything other than sports, comic book movies and pop culture. Dear reader, I hope you never become one of these dregs, and hope the above has helped at least a little bit in this endeavor.